Explosive

Standard

As I stare blankly at my decorated wall,
It turned white; it is now a white wall.
I smiled gingerly to myself, White Hall reminds me of you.
I am finding you in structures.
This is CRAZY!!!
When I am online with you and ask certain questions my heart beats in the rhythm of a drum.
Drumming faster than a cheetah runs.

But I am scared as shit because I do not want my heart to break again.
I do not want to hear the sound of my heart crumpling as I struggle to paste out heartbeats that consume me that I wanted to live no more.
I do not want to cry, why should I, expressing emotions that make me vulnerable.
I will let it choke me inside and when it becomes unbearable, I will find me a quiet place.
There and only there will I unleash the Katrina that is inside
Let it rain on my parade, it will be okay because there will be no one cheering or booing me.
It is my parade; it is only for me, not onlookers.
There will be no one to see the way that my soul bleeds, that no bandage can hold its content.
No plaster can heal the wound that keeps oozing,
Believe me, it was not-self scarifications but the art is visible.
Not to the naked eye but to the looker who closely scrutinized the art or the being with the eye of an eagle and the outreach of the hawk.

Alas! Deep down the wells of the soul,
The heart feels wants  love especially by you,
And no I am not looking for him in you.
Two different people, both of whom I have grown to care for and it hurt when you said,
I might be looking for something, that he did not have…
I have asked myself over and over, is this the way rebound feels?
Or is it genuine affection but then I think I got my answer.
I will research the term and I will answer my question.

Rebound is when you use somebody to get over the pain of a previous relationship.
I am not using you to get over him; I achieved much of that before I met you.
Experts also say that rebound also occurs when an individual,
Who just came from a long relationship pursues a new relationship soon after.
That is not want I am doing at all, I like you,
I like speaking to you but we both know we need sabbaticals from relationships.
You asked me before why you, I am trying to answer that question for myself.
I keep asking myself why I met you, what is the purpose?
Maybe it’s not for me to know now.
My first reaction was to stay away from you,
However, like I said before there is something about your face and smile.
I want to stay; question is what do you want?

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